I.M.'s Timely Post on DST

I.M. tryin’ to be right timely with this here blog, since Nilda says that what with people a thinkin’ about DST a coming about, and some of them more likely than not a going to ignore what it is, I should write a post about it. Takin’ that under advicement, I commenceded to some sireous research on the subject, the results of which follers.

Now it seems that DST is somethin’ that affects most people at least several times a year, with it most likely a happenin’ in the spring or the fall. Because of that, or maybe instead of that, so folks will remembers to remember to think about this DST, there is a sayin’ that goes, something like: if you wind yer spring to far back, it will will fall you up. I has also herd it as, spring up - foul back, which makes a lot more cents to me because if’n you is springin’ up when you swing, the ball is more an likely gonna be fouled back.

And with sayin’s like that and such I can readily understand why so many folks get all fouled up over DST. My way of rememberin’ what is is and when it is is simple. When we was a first dreamin’ bout this full time mobile, mobile home life, a feller told me me that it comes with all kinds of what he called acornnomins or some such thing. I tried to look it up in Mr. Websters book but the only thing I could find was ROTFLMAO, which didn’t make no sense to me, so I just took what that feller said as the honest fact.

Then this other feller parked next to me said that what I was a looking fer was, spring up, fall back, which didn’t make no sense to me about what I knowed about DST from my resreech, but, with him a ownin’ one of the Majestic New Horizon non 5th wheel, 5th wheels, I figured I’d better a humor him. So if it don’t make no scents to you either, blame him and not me.
In a way that stoopid sayin’ that feller didn’t know nothin’ about is a lot like this DST thing. It is amazonying just what some fellers will write about what that they don’t know nuthin’ about. One that I were reading today was a goin’ on about talkin’ hams and singing coyotes . Another was having a radio interview with a talkin’ head. No foolin’, she’s a really gonna do it, she bein’ that MeriKay follower of mine.

Then there were this Rick feller that was a goin’ on bout all kinds of things, but his pictures weren’t to do with that, they was of Paulette's flat tires. Or how about Tire swing feller that’s got as much trouble rememberin’ things as me. Then there is a Palamine that lives in Canada and has a butcher that grows their own butchers. Leastaways that what she wrote in her blog.

The reason I am a sighting this few random samples is because I don’t have time to sight the hundereds of examples that go on every day. So if you wonder why everyone, or nearly everyone is toadally confusioned when it comes to DST now you know. It’s just that most folks don’t see it a coming.

So this weekend make a special effort to be a ware of DST, Dumb Stupid Travelblogs, because they is everywhere. I.M., who is bringin’ the masses the words they needs to hear so that they will be unconfusioned as to what the fulltime mobile, mobile home life is really like. Remember, if ya didn’t spring up today it were likely cause ya slept in.

End of the Beginning

So here we was, hearing once again about the Great Kiva. My city faller cousin and his cute wife :):) were explaining that the Great Kiva was a more than one. Sort of like the Pa, the ghost and son up in heaven, only in this case there was several multiples of them, and somehow a building was mixed up in there along with knowing mostly things about this mobile type of mobile home living, and not things in general like them three up in heaven. And all this containing more alrighty then's than a choir of angels has got Hallelujahs.

I got to admit that Nilda and I were a mite skeptical at what we was hearing, but this city feller cousin of mine and his cute wife :):) seemed sure that the Great Kiva was the answer to all our problems. Now I guess I should backtrack a bit here and clarify a few things. First of all, we thought we was hearing my city cousin and his cute wife :):) saying Great Kiva, and somehow that just got burned into our brains to the point that it overrides any other moniker the Great Kiva goes by. Sheesh.

Just to show you that we are smarter than we appear, my city fellar cousin,  and his cute wife, :):) ), (who by the way was proving to be somewhat a distraction to my concentrating on what my city fellar cousin was saying) they was really saying Jehovah Kiva, which we thought was Great Kiva. Sheesh. Anyway, they said that Jehovah Kiva was into speaks, spakes and spokes, alternating back and forth in such a way that what was said came as from one though it came from both. :)

Then we learned that one of the greatest gatherings of these mobile, mobile homes was in our own state of Kentucky, down Louisville way, where it would be held in a big dome and the Great Kiva themself would be there. They, my city feller cousin and his cute wife, :):) that is, was going on and on about these Kiva's which is apparently some type of dome like building the injun's out west used as a place to learn things, and next they, my city feller cousin and his cute wife, :):) was spoutin' off about the Great Kiva itself, the person Kiva, as opposed to the place Kiva, that is.

We didn't know what was what, but we knew that we two needed to learn at the knee or door or whatever it was, of the Great Kiva so we two could live the life my city fellar cousin and his cute wife :):) were living. Or maybe it was, about to be livin', since all they'd done on their first day of livin' that life was to to get lost and end up talking to me and Nilda all day.

Alrighty then, it was getting late and we offered to share our supper with them two. Nilda saying that instead of eating in the former men's restroom like we normally did, we could eat in the former women's restroom since it didn't have a urinal, meaning it had more room to spread out. That was one of the disadvatages of having those rooms rent free. Pa insisted we keep all the original furnishings and fixtures in place just in case he ever got real busy and customers was looking for a place to relieve themselves other than back in the woods. :)

Now Nilda and I would never turn down a free meal, especially from a close relation like we four was, but the cute wife :):) of my city fellar cousin, grabbed his arm and insisted they just needed to be going. That's when Nilda give it her best shot, lettin' them know she was going to serve garlic garnished roast opossum since uncle Burtram had found one roadkilled when he come up the Gulch day before yesterday. It had been a hanging out by the tail for a couple of days, gettin' aged just right, and was never going to be better than it would be tonight.

She still turned us down, even though her husband, my city feller cousin that is, was all fer havin' a free feed, but that was actually okay, because Nilda really likes to really chow down anything opossum and that meant there would be more for her. It was time to say our so-longs, but just before they, my city fellar cousin and his cute wife, :):) got into those two vehicles they was driving, I once again thanked him for telling us about the Great Kiva and the mobile life in mobile homes. I told him he was so smart, he ought to be telling lots of people about what he knew.

Now after all these years, I can still remember him climbing into that truck, mumbling something about a website and making a bunch of money telling others what he had just told us for nothin'. I'm not sure whatever happened to them, because we never heard from either of 'em again. Maybe he did something with what we was talking about. I do know, but that's why I finally decided to try and write this here blog, so people could learn from our example and not do all the dumb, stupid things me and Nilda did. Sheesh.

Best thing about meeting my city fellar cousin and his cute wife :):) was knowing that there was someone else just like me out there. So even if he never got around to blogging, this here blog thing I'm a working at will give you an idea of what livin' a Vayne life is all about.

Fountain of Knowledge

 I been a little remiss in a finishin' up my story of how me and Nilda first learned of this mobile, mobile home life, so today and tomorrow I will be  a telling you the last of that tale, the one where we met my city feller cousin and his cute wife :):) on the day they got lost up on the Gulch.

The Great Kiva, as we learned during our later pilgrimage, is the oracle of all, the fountain of knowledge, the Supreme Being of the RV world. Now don't think that this RV World is someplace far away, like east of New York City, or on the moon. No the Great Kiva is both a place and a person, all rolled into one. :)

I can never forget that day when my city feller cousin told us about the Great Kiva, and how it is a place of more wonders of the mobile, mobile home that we could imagine. Then he really confusacated me and Nilda by saying the Great Kiva were also person, and a person like me or Nilda, no the Great Kiva were a He, She, It, They person. And you don't think that were more than me and Nilda could throw our minds around, you is probably outa your mind.

That city feller cousin talked of Motorhomes, of travel trialers, of Class A's and C's, (what with me never getting nothin' over a D in school, that was little over my head) of A-liners and Winnebagos, orphans, and Good Sam's. All of which was interspered with more alrighty then's and sheesh's than a Sunday meetin' full of holy rollers. We was so filled with facts that we were confused beyond being confused. :)

That was when they both, my city feller cousin and his cute wife, :):) got glassy eyed and started talking in tongues. Gross combination tongue weight, duromax, cummins, allison, slideouts, pumpouts, day night shades, invertors, convertors and defillibrators, or some such babbling all came pouring out of their mouths. Now we'd been to some of Brother Barretts snake handling get togethers, but even at their most frenetic, they couldn't hold a candle to my new found city fellar cousin and his cute wife :):) as they was a goin' on about the mobile lifestyle.

I thought the Preacher had the market cornered on stemwinders up here, but once those two got going they made the preacher look like a babe in the woods when it came to spoutin' words. By the time they was done, Nilda and I was ready to follow my city fellar cousin and his cute wife :):) anywhere they wanted to go, just so we could learn at their feet about this life they was livin'. Sheesh,

That's when they brought Nilda and me crashing back to earth. When he said, alrighty then this was their very first day of livin' this here nomad life in a mobile home that was mobile. At that moment we was both feelin' worse than a lifelong drunk that run out of liquor, but then my city feller cousin's cute wife :):) again mentioned the Great Kiva, and me and Nilda was all ears once again. :)

RV-Dreamers Glossery, Preface and A-B

This here glossery thing come about cause at one of the group get-togethers at this place we been a stayin’ at, once all the womenfolk had cleared up the mess from the under cooked mango cornbread that everyone was a spilling tryin’ to eat, and a tellin’ the gal who cooked it how good it were even though it weren’t, there was a discussion on what some of the different terms used by mobile, mobile home folks means. There were two newlies there, as some folks referred to them that’s just acquired their first mobile, mobile home, and since this were their very first time out in their brand spankin’ new shinee Alpine 3640RL, or at least that were what he was a braggin’ it was, they was askin’ lots of questions.

That newlie had provided us with about an hours worth of entertainment when he come in the other night about 10 o’clock. What with him a hittin’ that tree then a knockin’ over his electric post, the whole campground was a gathered around watching. I’d best save what else he done fer a regular post, but that’s why when I was a trying to educate him on some on the finer points of the mobile, mobile home life, at which time he up and says to me, “I.M., What with your unique view of things, you ought to put together a glossery of terms to help out newlies like us to better understand what this here life on the road is like, and so’s we can understand what you old timers is a talkin’ about.

That just about cause my head to swell up like a bullfrog gittin' ready to croak, but recalling that lots of other folks along the way have called me a unique individual, I just let it lay for a while. Later I asked Nilda what she thought of that idea, and she was most encouraging, tellin’ me that it would provide a new outlet for my writin’ talents and also make intersting readin’ for folks livin’ this here mobile, mobile home life if they was ever to stumble across my writin’s. So fer all you newlies and any others that’s havin’ trouble understandin’ all them fancy words that gets flung around about mobile, moble homes, what follows should educate you right up to speed.

Airbag
Every campgrounds got one. Some old feller whose always smilin' away and telling stories ain't nobody wants to hear, with him a blowin' air like one of them hotair balloon things. It is also a part on a mobile, mobile home that supposed to hold air but usually don't.

Black Water
It took me a while to figure out why them old boys was always a refirrin' to that brown stuff they was a spillin at them so called dump stations, as black water, when it weren't. But then I started a payin' attention to what they was a mummblin' when they was a spillin' that stuff all over, includin' on they's ownself, and recollecting that term, "painting the air black with four letter'd words", I knowed right off how brown got to be black.

Blue Boy
Some feller told me is was a "plastic portable waste holding tank generally made in the color of blue”. Watching a feller try to use one once, it come to me that this is a younger cousin of the black tank, only with this one they paint the air blue with words stead of black.

Boon Docking
This one throwed me for some time as I couldn't figure out why if them people was a going a huntin’ with their coon dogs, did they always brung their own food and sat a round the campfire instead of a going out and a tryin' to hunt so's they could have some good fresh meat to eat. Then a feller learned me that a sittin' around a fire out in the middle of nowhere was exactly what this boon docking thing was. Sure seems like a waste of a good coon dog to me.

Bus Conversion
To quote a definition I read somewheres best I can recollect: “A commercial bus that is usually converted into a mobile, mobile home and is highly customized with luxury components, meaning they are typically the largest and most prestigious mobile, mobile home's available”. Obviously the feller that wrote that ain't never owned one, he just gets paid for writin' words. It's like them BusNuts boys is always saying, "If owning a bus conversion don't convert you into a ravin' manic, you was already a ravin' maniac afore you got it."

Shrimpin’ and a Dippin': The Catch is Made

I know I been interpreted a time or two while relatin’ this true life mobile, mobile home tale, so let me get right back to it. Turned out that mister city feller wanted me to go out with him and his wife that evening, not during the day. Seems like she was big into sunset cruisin’ and he was into wantin’ some shrimp, which, as I now understand, you dip net at night. I was glad he knew that much, cause if he’d of asked me, he’d a figured out right quick that Dumb and Dumber obviously had a close relative when it came to knowin’ the boat and bait business, namely me.

That meant that during the day I was a jawin’ with anyone and everyone at that RV park who had even a speck of knowledge about this sunset cruisin’ and midnight shrimpin’ thing. One thing I confirmed right off was that city people got this need to take pictures of the sunset, the more the better. And it’s the more that counts. Just get ‘em out where they can see the sun a goin’ down over the water, and they’s as happy as a dung beetle in a manure pile, and let me tell you, that’s as happy as a body can git.

We’d made arrangements for me to be at their site around six o'clock so we could be out on the water, in perfect position to take all the pictures they wanted at the time the sun was settin’.. All of which turned out to be one of the darndest things I’ve ever been part of, leastwise recently.

So there we was a bobbin like cork in the ocean, which for all practical porpoises I guess we was. The sun was a getting’ lower in the sky, but not quite at the same rate these two is getting higher on all that grape juice they was a drinkin’. I’d liked to never heard the likes of that, and I couldn’t figure out why they would put that gawdaufull red color in there to ruin some thing perfectly good, since it also made the taste  a might off, plus it didn’t have no more kick than a mule sufferin from riger mortus.

That weren’t the half of it though, bout the time the sun was getting’ to the perfect spot, that right cute wife starts a screeching out the most gwadaufull sounds my poor ears have heard since Aunt Emma got certain of her front danglin’ body parts caught in the wringer while she was a doin’ the laundry while wearing that flimsy sundress on the hottest day of the year. There’s just some things a person is not never going to forget even if they see’d them when they was only knee-high to a barn cat.

It took me a while to figure out just what was going on, what with her a screechin’ away, and him a playing the very self same song on the radio thing he had brung along. Then she starts a gyrating like Uncle Archibald at the annual Bascom Valley Fourth of July celebration after he’s had too many nips of Ned Drunkmiller’s finest, fresh from the still. And with Ned being Archibald’s brother, he sure knew what the finest was.

So I’m a wonderin’ what to do. specially with that Cracker song being both screeched out by the right cute woman, as well as being played in the background.  And in addition they was to the point of being likely to topple into the bay at any moment. By the time they was done enjoyin’ themselves the sun had previously set, and they was a saying it was the best sunset cruise they had ever been on, and I don’t think they even knowed they hadn’t tooked a single photograph of the settin’ sun..

Later we went out to the channel to catch them some shrimp, only there weren’t no shrimp to be see’d nowhere. That city feller keep a claiming he was a seeing big orange eyes a staring back at him from the depths. But the only thing a staring back at him was the lights reflecting off them big old sun glasses he was still a wearin’ but didn’t know it. The shrimpin’ ended when he pitched hisself right over the side of the boat a dippin’ for one of them imaginary shrimp.

Not to be outdone, I’d got a few frozen shrimp off a feller at the RV park who told me these city fellers were oblivious to the truths of the sea, and I should just throw a couple of the frozen shrimp in his net if wasn’t catchin’ nothin’ and he wouldn’t know the difference. Seemed fair enough to me and both him and me ended up happy. I did think he was a might cheap though, cause when we got back to the dock and I asked him about a tip for all the good times I’d provided for him, he mutters something that half sounded to me like he was a lookin' fer somebody to chip in, only he drove off in his boat without a doin' it. Guess that feller in that song was right, if you can’t please everybody, you got to please yourself, meaning I.M. is who I am.

Beauty Parlor Gossip

I know y’all are mighty apparent of my way with words and the writin’ jeaneus I display, but most of what I been a writin’ is nothin’ more than what goes on for me and Nilda during most any day of the week, though on occasion it might be a bit more unusual than usual. Last Friday Nilda comes back from her once a week beauty treatment and tells me the ladies is all a talking about nothin’ but me. I was surely hopin’ it weren’t about no more literature pieces cause I.M. is plumb wore out from all the work Nilda is havin’ me do whenever I try to write some more literature. It’s what she calls testin’ the lititerary theory or something like that. Seems like every time I come with up some new plot line or other feature of them stories, Nilda says I got to try it out on her, else it’s just an unproven theory and I can’t use it in my literature writin’.

But back to what they was disgustin’ at the beauty palor. From my way of lookin’ at it, what she says them ladies come up with din’t make no sense to me at first. That was until she filled me in on the big picture as she put it, which then made me even more sure that it weren’t somethin’ I wanted to do. It, being write something called advertizin’ copy from which I could make a bunch of money accordin’ to them ladies, which would allow me and Nilda to buy a mobile, mobile home that wouldn’t break down all the time like Ol’ 5th Wheel. Which would mean I’d have more time to write literature for them ladies since it were their idea in the first place.

Now I was agreeing with Nilda right regular up until that last part, then she points out that if we was to replace Ol’ 5th Wheel with somethin’ more reliable, there weren’t no reason why we couldn’t just up and leave this place for good. Now Nilda didn’t exactly say it that way, her havin’ her refined speech and all, but I know that’s what she meant. I didn’t expect to aford no mansion on wheels like some of them city fellers we’ve met has had, but even somethin’ where the cupboard door don’t fall off every time you open it would be a major improvement over Ol’ 5th Wheel.

So now that I had the idea firmly impaired in my brain, in order to actually write some of that beauty parlor advertizin’ copy, I needed to find out just what the heck it were. Nilda suggested I go down to the beauty parlor and read through them magazines they got layin’ around for the ladies to read while they was waitin' for their appointments, but I told her straight out that I’d rather walk on burnin’ coals than set foot in that place. Nilda don’t tease much, but when she next said that she thought I was afraid of the beauty parlor she sure were a smiling mighty big. I tells her, afraid, I’m not afraid, I’m plum scared so much of going in there with them ladies, I’d sooner put on a brand new pair of unwashed wool long johns every morning for a whole month, than set foot in that place.

Nilda had a good idea about how I could read them magazines without them ladies, but that led to me fearin' I was gonna get another degree when that policeman found me a setting in the beauty parlor the other night, looking at all them pictures and such in them magazines with my flashlight. I knew I was a gonner for sure when the Judge was a goin’ on and on about me being a blot on the immorality of this town. Then out of the clear blue, in marched this lady who had pestered me until I wrote one of them literature pieces special for her. She goes right up to the Judge and a starts hissin' in his ear like a busted steam line.

Next thing I knowed the scowl he was throwin’ at me was gone, and his jaw drops open, then he’s a noddin’ his head and a sayin’ yes dear, yes dear, like one of them stuck records. Well she finishes up and comes right at me, with we expecting the same treatment from her and more so. Instead she stands right there next to me, her arms a crossed and a given the judge an evil eye if’n I ever saw one. The Judge looks at me and starts to say something, then looks at her and shuts his mouth. Then he slams his gavel down while sayin’ case dismissed based on expert eyewitness testimony, and heads back to his chambers. That woman grabs me, a draggin’ me right up tight to her bosom and says I should do all the research I wanted for my writtin' cause her husband, who’s the Judge, ain’t gonna interfere no more.

I.M. now knowin' I never should'a took up that litature writin' and should'a just stuck to this here blog writin' thing.  Cause them litatures it's almost causin' me more problems than Ol' 5th Wheel. Which is why I ain't plannin' on a writin' any more litatureary pieces fer a real good long while, if ever, and will stick to just this here blogger thing. So tomorrow it's back to how me and Nilda lives this mobile, mobile home life and also a providin' ya help to know how you can two.

A Shrimpin’ and a Dippin': I.M. Wanderin'

Bout now your probably a wonderin’ whether all this could be true or not cause of all the things I keep a mentioning about this city feller and his boatin’ experience. And complicating all this is is the fact that some of them fellers up at the other end of the RV park was down here the other night and got to telling me that this feller is a tellin’ the story all different.


That the way he was spinnin' it at the marshmellow and baked bean roast they was a havin up at that end of the campground last week, shortly after it all took place, it were him that outsmarted them to worthless boys of Billy Bob’s. Guess he was also a saying nothin’ about getting’ tangled up in that binimminnini top or whatever it were, just like he left out hisself a smashing the boat into the dock.
Now, as I was a hearing this yarn being unfolded, I was a thinking of how Pa may not always of been the smartest feller around, plus his young’un naming skills were a might off. But one thing he was good at was making sure we always knowed right from wrong and that while we could say whatever we wanted, what we said had better be the truth.

And that’s who I am. It’s like me and Candilu Hugginbottom used to say when we’d go skinny dippin’ all by our lonesome, which I was glad Tomato Blossom :):):) taught me the ins and outs of. Anyways, sometimes my mind does get to serious wanderin’. What I was I was trying to get to was this, Cindilou would always say, “What you sees, is what you gets” just after we had dashed out into the water. While I would say, “I.M. is who I am.” then she’d start to a giglin’, and a saying, “You are I.M., you sure are.”  Now before you’re a wonder if either of us got hurt whilst we was a dashin’ into the water, Cindilou was always a fearin’ that happenin’ which was why she insisted we only go skinny dippin’ in the way, far end of the lake where the water was no more an a foot deep.

All this is told merely to help to ya understand that when I tell somebody something, it’s exactly like I says it is, so if any of you people a readin’ this blog are in this here same RV Park Nilda and me is, and heard this story from that other feller up at the far end of the RV Park, and want to believe what was said, that’s  between you and him. As fer me, I.M. is who I am, and my word is as good as me. So in a couple of day's I'll be a relatin' to you the truthful rest of the story, as best I can recollect it.