What We Did Today

Seems like that post I a wroted fer Nilda’s cousin Clementine (which got her no good, worthless, thievin’ husband talkin’ to me bout buyin’ O’l 5th Wheel afore he bought a brand new to him, 1968 Cerio Scottie from Sanderson’s Junkers, Clunkers and Salvage in Fleccer, Mozurie), stirred up a hornets nest with more cousin’s than we knowed we had. They were a sayin’ that all that writin’ was confusioning to them, and would I wright a simple post that just had the facts about our day and not nothin’ about a bunch of menfolk that wouldn’t know fine food if it were a sittin’ right in front of them.

So just fer them, here it is, nice and simple: Got up at our usual time. Nilda fixed coffee the usual way, and we both drank our usual number of cups. I walked up to the park office to get the paper for Nilda. On the way I waved to Terry, said hi to Jim, Harley, Dottie and Goldie. Rubbed the ears of there dogs, Humper, Piddles and Nuggetdropper. Waved at Thelma and Old Jim on there bicycles, as well as Mrs. Widebottom who was picking up doggy droppin’s in front of the office.

Picked up the paper and returned to Ol’ 5th Wheel while a doin’ the same talkin’, wavin’, and lookin’ I did on the way up to the office. Nilda had our usual breakfast fixed, after which we commenced as usual, to sit out in our chairs, a lookin’ at everybody up and down the street who were out a doin’ the same thing we was. I glanced up at Sandy, Cindy, Darlene and Susan everytime they come a zippin’ past on they’re usual workout walk, which were also the only time Nilda took her nose outta that paper, what with her a glancin’ at me, a glancin’ at them.

That took care of the morning, but just before Nilda started to fix our usual lunch, Bill and Betty asked if we wanted to join them for lunch at the Meatball Factory and Talipia Farm, so we did. We ate two much serf and turd as usual, but all said, it were right tastey, so we headed back to burn some of them new calories off by taking a hard nap. I was a really getting’ into a dream bout them walkin’ ladies when Nilda wakes me up, sayin’ we got to go git some food fer the typical Tuesday twilight potluck get together at the park.

We went to the store, got what Nilda wanted, and come back. Food fixed we took off towards the activity center, meetin’ Jim, Misty, Harry, Sandy, John, Jan, Rick, Diane, Susan, Darlene, Cindy and Betty on the way. With the usual Monday night TV football game havin’ been postponed a night due to snow, they’er husbands was a staying home and watchin’ it. We vaccummed up that food like usual, then everybody got to talkin’ to the usual folks about the usual things.

Later, after the menfolk put up the tables like usual and the womenfolk got their hopefully empty dish, everybody headed back to there mobile, mobile homes as usual. We walked with Arthur, Winnie, Muley Johnson, Sam, Bea, Harold, Darlene, Sandy, Susan and Cindy. Usually we sit out and talk too folks, but tonight we was booth tired, so we did our usual getting’ ready, then got onto the bed from our usual sides and did our usual bedtime ritual, afore finally fallin’ to sleep.

Sorry bout this here post. I tried to get them cousin’s to reed almost any of them blogs written by other folks, all of which is almost exactly like this one every day they write one, but them cousins wanted to know what a typical day was just for Me and Nilda without nothing extraoutoftheordinary happenin’. Tomorrow we will once a gain be back to relatin’ the way livin’ the fulltime mobile, mobile really is like fer all them rv dreamers out their.

End of a Typical Fulltime RV Day

This is the last installment in a series of posts about a typical day in our lives for Nilda’s favorite cousin, Clem, and my near favoritist cousin-in-law, Joe Ed, who is her wonderful husband. When I last left off, we had just returned from a typical group noon meal, and while the ladies proceeded to scrapbook, which is code for gossip, we men returned to our favorite pastime, drinkin’ beer, belchin’ and scratchin’. Leastawayswise that’s what the women think we do. Really we, we swap true life stories of what we have scene or herd while travelin’ around the country so as to make our fulltime life better.

The best way to learn about fulltiming is to do it yerself. The best way to learn not what to do is to listen to what other folks has done. That meant I picked up a few pointers on how not to back into a sight when the feller next to you has put his awning stakes in the middle of where yer a backing yer RV at 11:30 on a moonless night, and other typical things like that.

Then Nilda comes a traipsin’ back, the ladies havin’ broken up their confab, and I realizes we still ain’t got our mornin’ walk in and it’s almost dinner time. So we sets off again, but Larry and Lori were out a washin’ their bicycles, so we stopped to visit for a while. Then while we was a doin’ that, Old man Carlisle comes out, and tells Nilda that his wife is takin' cookies out of the oven, and that Nilda should head inside and pick up a few while they is still warm.

By now it has been over ten hours since we set out on our morning walk and we ain’t got by no more than seven sights, so you can see that our days is just so cram packed with activities we ain’t hardlty got time to do anything. Bout a half hour later Nilda comes out, a bag of chocolate chip cookies in her hand and a big glob of chocolate a stuck to the corner of her mouth, which is suggesting to me that all them cookies she got didn’t make it into that there bag.

At that I didn’t say nothin’, havin’ learned better years ago, and we made a beeline back to Ol’ 5th Wheel where she proceeded to whip up some leftovers fer our dinner. After that, I set down in front of this here computer to put together another episode in the true life adventures of our mobile, mobile home life, while Nilda did her usual, and sits in her favorite chair a readin' one of them books of her’s.

This writin’ business ain’t easy, even though you’d think a man of my copeeus talent would find it real easy. Sometimes what I write about comes easy, there havin’ been an embearassment of interesting things happening that day. Other times I just right about what the start of our mobile, mobile home life were like, or maybe a story one the fellers told to me that day.

Clem, I guess I’m a sayin’ that this life is different fer each of us, and if you and Joe Ed want to try it ya should. Who knows, maybe you can find out you have writin tallent like me and become just as famous. Well, maybe I ain’t exactly famous, but I.M. happy puttin’ what me and Nilda do out fer people to read. I.M., who is not only the husband of your favorite cousin, Nilda, but who is also the best friend of that wonderful husband of yours. And yes, Clem, even though it would paine me mightily, I would certainly be willin’ to sell our outstanding and highly relieabell mobile, mobile home, Ol’ fifth Wheel, to yer husband, should he be wantin' to pay me cash money.

Restaurant/hair Salon Food for RVers

This here is a continuation of a typical day in our full time mobile, mobile home life special fer Nilda’s favorite cousin, Clem, and her somewhat worthless, but eager to get into the fulltime life, husband. Where we left off with this true life tail was a headin’ for our seats in the combination restaurant/hair salon that smelt like a close cuzzin to a skunk pelt factory and where they used words that were unknowable to normal folks like me.

Now when I were a courtin’ Nilda I once took her to one of them fancy restaurants that’s got table clothes and all, but this place had more fufurry than a whole city full of them places. Plates on plates, more silver than granny Carlton had in her mouth and with glasses and cups so thin , if ya breathed hard on them they looked, like as not, they'd shatter on the spot.

But just when ya think it can’t get no worse it does. That made like lady, comes around and hands each of us something that I can best describe as a telephone book, which she calls “zee card dejoor” and which has Le Carte du Jour a writtin' on it. When I opens it up I look around and half the fellers is a holdin’ it like me and the other half is a holden it upwards down from our way.

The ladies is a laughin’ and sayin, “Oh you silly boys, it’s supposed to go this away, and trying to get everyone on the same page. I.M. going to skip most of what was in that book, Clem, mostly a'cause I don’t have a clue as to what any of it was, just like them other fellers didn’t, but here’s a samplin’.

These I thought I knowed what they was, Bangers and Mash, Quiche de la Mer, Chardonnay Poached Pear Salat, Sammon Moutard and Mussels du Jour, but as I learned, in a place like this you can't tell a book by it's cover. So what you think you is a gettin' and what you is a starin' at on yer plate is entirely different. Lets just say that I knowed my bear weren't bear and that mussle sure weren't no beef mussle, and leave it at that.

Best part was that all them ladies were a havin’ the time of there lives, a carryin’ on and a totally ignorin’ us menfolk. all of which was good cause it give us a chance to scrape that stuff on our plates onto the floor under the table, all unnoticed like. When the women is done eatin' they gits to goin’ on about the desserts, which a looking at them dishes they had piled on that cart they brung around would a probably made for a world sugar shortage if they made another cart full.

That’s when Henry pipes up with, “Henrietta, that were the best restaurant meal I think I’s ever seen, but but it sure were more than a mite fillin’ and I note you is a really fillin’ out that dress you’re a wearing, honeykins.” You’d heard a pin fallin’ through the air it got so quiet. Then Elmira Toolesaurd speaks up, her havin’ that boomin’ voice and all, ‘Well ladies, I know the men want some of these delicious desserts, but really, we need to get back to our scrapbooking, so If they don’t mind, we need to leave now.

That’s when Skinny Perkins picked up on what was goin’ on. Turnin’ to his wife and sayin’ “Kitten, I sure was lookin’ forward to the matcha tea powder coated deep fried, honey coated jickama slices, but I know yer scrapbooking is so important to you, that I’ll give them up.” Fer a moment, his Beulah hesitated and we was a wondering if maybe he hadn’t laid it on a mite too thick, but then she puts her hands together, and says, “Oh Skinny, you are the most thoughtful man alive.” At which point there was so many sighes a let loose I thought fer a second those ladies was a gonna catch on.

Clem, if ya want more on our day, just do like ya did before, and I will write more. Your favorite cousin’s husband, and friend of your husband, I.M.

RV Restaurant Rendezvous 3

We’all was a standin’ there, a swayin’ back n forth hopin’ we don’t pass out, when this female person comes up, a looking like them maids you see in the movies with her black dress and white cap, apron and all. While I.M. and the other fellers was still a strangling fer a breathe, she says something that sounded like, ”Would madammozells and monsures like a seat on the furanda or in the conservastory?” Us fellers was sure she weren’t a talkin’ to us, but by lookin’ around it were discovered there weren’t no one there but us. This were not lookin’ good fer sure.

Whatsoever it were that maid lady had actually said, the next thing we knowed, we was being led to our seats on the furanda, which I hoped weren’t where them pelts was a hanging that were a smellin’ so bad. On the way one of the fellers asked the ladies what that smell were that had darned near a kilt us. To which we learned that it were what any beauty parlor smells like and had something to do with them permenances the ladies were a getting’ right regular like. No wonder Nilda was always a piling on the prefume. If myownself had to be around something that stunk that bad, I.M.’d be known as the Channel No.5 man fer sure, there’d be so much of that perfume on I.M. to cover up that smell..

Clem, I.M. sorry to have got a mite bit carried away there, but if that ain't enough fer ya, let me know and I’ll fill you in on more of what happened that day. Fer now, I.M yer favorite cousin's husband who are newlie educationed in the inner workings of a combination restaurant and beauty parlor, or at the least the smells of such. I.M. are also now a firm believer in always eatin' in the RV, mobile, moble home rather than at them restaurant place that womenfolk pick.

RV Restaurant Rendezvous 2

Hearin’ from Clem that she were a thinkin’ she could handle the lady side of the full time RV mobile, mobile home life, I.M. continuing to tell her what a typical day are like.

At last we arrived, somewhat deaf from all that carryin’s on and nonstop gabbin’ from them ladies. We had barely got stopped when them ladies like to have bolted out of the back seats of them two trucks, howsoever we fellers was a stuck to the front seats like a whole quart of super glue had been spilt under us. Didn’t mean nothin’ to them ladies and afore we knewed it, they had yanked them front doors open and was a draggin’ us’ens outta there like we was pieces of fried chicken a goin’ on the servin’ platter.

So up them steps to that combination restaurant and beauty parlor that bevy of beauties, as Henry put it, troop, a raisin’ a ruckus that could be heard a mile or more away. All the time they was a pushin', a proddin’ or a draggin’ us menfolk, dependin’ on who was where at the moment, and how close one of us men was to getting’ away. Then they had the door open and we was a bein’ swept inside like as we was caught up in a whirlwind. Unfortunately it were so quick a happenen’ we didn’t know what they’d done afore it was two late to turn tail and run fer our lives.

That were when it hit us menfolk. It being the most gaudauful smell I.M. ever did smell in myownselfs entire life. Now I.M. ain’t never been in a skunk pelt factory, but one of them had to smell sweeter than what was assultin’ our nostrils, nose, head, brain and whole body. It weren’t just one smell either, I.M. are a tellin’ y’all, it were like like some of them smells that Dirtiest Jobs feller describes on TV, or maybe even worse. All them other fellers standin’ there looked just about as green as mineownself did, but them ladies weren’t even payin’ it no nevermind.

RV Restaurant Rendezvous

I.M. back with more of me and Nilda’s daily life for Nilda’s cousin, Clementine, and her somewhat less than a pain in the butt husband who by all reports are actually thinkin’ about leavin’ his former worthless life behind and takin up the utopian life on the rode. Course once he reads the rest of this here article I.M. writin’, he may change his mind, which by all accounts should be real easy since he ain’t got much of a mind to be changed anyways. Where I.M. left off was when we’all was on our way to the combination restaurant and beauty parlor the ladies wanted to eat at, in case, like Clem’s husband most likely has, you has already forgot about it.

So there we was, all sixteen of us’ens, packed in them two monstrous dually tired pick-up trucks, a pullin’ up to something that looked more like an overstuffed dollhouse than a building a body would ever want to be a caught goin’ into. We fellers was all a lookin’ at each other, a thinkin’ oh lordy, what in thunderation have we got ourownselves into, while them ladies was a carryin’ on like a bunch of blackbirds perched atop an overturned grain truck.

That was when we first heard things that man’s ears ain’t never supposed to be exposed too. Things like Lapsang Souchon, Cupid's Arrow, Super Fine Rooibos and Gunpowder Green. Now that last one we kinda got a handle around, but them ones afore it, they was a makin' us menfolk think that the worst thing in the whole world would be to walk into that place with them ladies. So, Clem if yer a with them ladies and can read yer tea leaves to the point of a knowin’ what this talk were all about, then I.M. will write y’all some more But if you ain’t, I.M. concerned that you ain’t cut out fer this here full time mobile, mobile home life the way them ladies is a livin’ it.

Just fer Nilda’s Cousin Clementine 3

That leaves us fellers standin’ there lookin’ a mite lost when Harlotta suggests we come sit a spell at her place. Having been roped into that afore, we politely decline and proceeded on down the road, her a trailing after lookin’ much like a lovesick cow, which in fact she very much did reassemble. Bout that time, Big John, the former circus midget comes out a dragging a case of beer, and we knowed where we was a gonna hole up fer the morning.

Just afore noon the ladies all come back, just a gushin’ about this new combination restaurant and beauty parlor that were in the midst of its grand operationing. All they’all wanted to go there for grub, and such as it were, we menfolk had no choice. So not knowing any better we’ all piled into a couple of trucks and left that park a trailin’ more dust than than a trailer load of busted sweeper bags. Them ladies was in the back a goin’ on about all the good things they'ed heard about this place, and how it was fillin’ a real need in their lives. Now I.M. weren’t too sure about that part, but I.M. did know that the way I.M.’s stomak was a rumbellin’ it was goin’ to take a mighty big plate of food to quiet it down. And it wers apparent from the sounds old Harvey Etalott sittin’ nearby was a makin’, he were havin’ the same problem.

Now since I.M. supposed to be given a minute by minute readdition of what our day were like for Clem, I.M. gotta stop here, else wise this here post which are already three days long, will be a going on for ever. So Clem, if this are what you want and ya want more just let us know and I.M. will fill you in the the restaurant that were from where Brother Bartholomew says all them sinners is a goin’ some day. An say howdy from me to that no account worthless moochin’ pain in the butt you is a married two next time he comes home fer a spell, cause I’m sure he’s got something good about him, even if ain’t no one figured out what it is yet.

Just fer Nilda’s Cousin Clementine 2

We got woked up just like always this mornin’ at 4:30 when that train went a barrelin’ down the track right ahind where we is parked. All the rattlin’ ans shakin’ of these RV mobile, mobile homes parked alongside us got the cows in the feedlot on the otherside of us a bawlin’ and a carryin’ on, so there weren’t gonna be no more sleep this morning. We did our morning duties, Nilda with her mudpak removal and myownself a sittin’ so’s I.M. could git a mornin' movement started. Then it were time fer breakfast.

Nilda got some bacon and eggs out of the refrigerator, and she didn’t even break any eggs a doin’ it. It are hard cause this here RV mobile, mobile home refrigerator are so small, two shoppin’ bags done fills it to overflowing. Next comes the pancakes and biscuits, though with all the ants crawling in the flour Nilda had to sift it first. Course if’n yall don’t like bugs and things y’all shouldn’t be livin’ this full time life, cause yer gonna git to know them real well, I.M. tellin’ ya. Sorry I.M. got off the story, but was some done eatin’, so next come our daily morning walk around the place we was a staying.

We hadn’t got but maybe ten steps when Harold and Henrietta comes a boundin’ out of their mobile, mobile home, a smilin’ like so as to make a shark looked close mouthed. First thing ya know we was a blabberin’ away to the point that Henry and Harlotta comes out and joins us. Now Henry ain’t much of a talker, but that wife of his is a talker and a hole lot more. That goes on fer a while, we moving on to the next sight, where Maude comes out a claiming the women folk and a leadin’ them off towards the clubhouse where they got some kind of craft confab which were a gonin’ on this mornin.

Just fer Nilda’s Cousin Clementine

Some of you’uns might be a wonderin’, what with me havin’ a dozen or so non-relatives a now readin’ this here blog, and it a getting’ more popular as my readers spread it hoof and mouth to others, just why I would want to make a post aimed at a lone person, and a relative at that. It are because Nilda and Clemintine weren’t just cousins, they was closer together than the rats in old man Dairyrumples barn, and after a workin’ fer him one summer, let me tell you that means mitey close.

Now I think you already know that Nilda didn’t have no sisters, and if she hasn’t told ya yet, she will one of these days when she writes another post. Anyway them two being favorite cousins and all, Clem, as she was always called by everyone but Nilda, has been a corry sponding with Nilda about this new life of ours, a wonderin’ if it were something she and her husband should take up. Nilda has been a writtin to her about what we do, but Clem keeps a pesterin’ her for a real minute by minute rundown. That are how Nilda come to ask me to write this here blog post, so that if’n any more cousins comes up with the same idea, Nilda could just refer them to my authenticative writin' on it. 

Now as anyonebody that are livin’ this here RV mobile, mobile home full time life knows, there sure ain’t no such thing as a typical day. It are just like livin’ in a regular place that don’t move around, at least it moves on the occasions it are runnin’ like it should. Which are another part of this here life folks don’t think about when they gets all dreamy eyed at the possibilities. So, with all that in mind, hear goes what a typical full time day are like fer me and Nilda.
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A Weighty Problem in the Campground

This are a continuationing of how the Hatey Weighty program come about so I.M.’s reeders can see that it were a well thought out plan and not something that just happened to happen.

Back to that camperfire story that feller were a tellin’, it seems like the feller with the flappin’ gums and bloody thumb didn’t believe them fellers when they first told him that what he were a haulin’ were just that. Which was that what he had been a haulin’ he weren’t now haulin’. All this time he were goin’ on about how them things were a fastened in right tite, and all padded and cushioned so they were gonna move none, no way.

Guess while he were a yakkin’ away, that cute woman got out of the truck and took a look see fer herownself. She come back up to the front with one of them cat got the canary grins and says to him that he just might want to take a look see fer hisownself. He sputtered a mite, but with her just a grinnin’ away at him, not sayin’ a word, he finally gits out of the truck.

He hadn’t gone but a couple of feet, as the feller tellin’ the story was a sayin’, until that yacker feller stops dead in his tracks, and his jaw clanked open, and stayed open fer once. A layin’ back there in the dust were them two shiny things just like everyonebody, includin’ that cute woman with him, were a tryin’ to tell him.

It are here the story gits murky as the feller tellin’ I.M. the story didn’t exactly see what happened next but had it related to him somewhile later. Some told him there was words between them two folks, others sayin’ there weren’t. Some said the woman walked away to a big old 5th wheel up near the entrance to the camperground, and others said she just took off out of the camperground and kept a walkin’. Still someonebody else told that she jumped in that truck and took off a leavin’ that feller a standin’ ther by hisownself. I.M. will say that whatever it were that happened, it must of been interestin' to say the least.

Weighing in around the Campfire

The other day I.M. were a tellin’ y’all about the idea I.M. come up with to make money off’n them RVers that’s got money, the Hatey Weighty program. While I.M. are sure all y’all reeders wants the particulars of it, yer just gonna haft to weight awhile. (That are a pun fer them reeders that ain’t as sharp as I.M. are.) :)

Today we’all is gonna be examinationing what it were that give I.M. the idea fer this never afore thought of combination accident avoider and poverty preventer program. The other day a feller that were a prime grade A spinner of yarns stopped at this here camperground, and then proceeded to do some spinnin’ at the nightly campfires while he were here. This yarn took place at the last park he were at and what follows is as best as I.M. can recall what he were a sayin’.

He said it were the poundin’ he first noticed, then the feller and lady, followed by the big pickup truck. He weren’t sure what it were, but it must have been mighty important, that piece of paper that feller were a tackin’ up to the camperground bulletin board. While the poundin’ was a goin’ on, the feller was a jabberin’ away at the right cute woman standin’ next to him, which were probably the reason he hit his thumb with the hammer instead of that thumbtack that wouldn’t go into that board. Sheesh!

That brought out some other words and mutterin’s, but with the woman a takin’ over the hammer the paper were soon up, even if the thumbtacks wasn’t exactly in the corners and there were nice red smear on the paper. Then them folks got into that truck and started to turn around so they could drive off. It were then it happened, first one, followered by another shiny aluminum lookin’ things come slidin’ out of that truck and dropped onto the ground.

The feller didn’t seem to notice, him being so busy a yakkin’ and yammerin’ away at anyonebody he was drivin past. Finally someonebody got him to shut up long enuff to point out that what ever he had been a haulin’, he weren’t a haulin’ no more. That is when what I.M. will relate in the next post about how the Hatey Weighty program happened.

Wantstas, The RV Series 006, Part II

We are now a resumptioning the tale of the wantsta, them folks that have almost but not quite made it to the fulltime RV mobile, mobile home way of livin’.

Then you decided to visit one of them RV mobile, mobile home shows, only to learn that they are swarmin’ with salepersons who has got the deal of all deals on the RV you just haven’t realized you wanted. But that don’t stop ya, next yer all over the internet, a reedin’ everything you can get yer eyeballs on. A reedin’ the forums, a reedin’ blogs and and a findin’ a website or two that are a promisin’ to fulfill all yer RV dreams, some with their website, some with their newspapers, some with their magazines, some with their rallys and some that promise you a rose garden and the roses that go I it.

Of course it are up to y’all to be a sortin’ through all this dubious detritus, (my cousin Mick told me that one), a decidin’ what the what are what, and what the what are what are not. Now afore y’all git to thinkin’ that I.M. are a gonna tell you the correct and true way to full time full timing, it ain’t gonna be that way. Just as you were thinkin’ I.M. are gonna make it easy, he are gonna do just the opposition to that. That are because it are up to y’all to decide what to do. If I.M. has learneded one thing bout this full time lifestye, it are that if you let someone else do the thinkin’ fer ya, yer gonna get exactly what ya deserve. And in the end yer not gunna be happy. I.M. not sorry to say that, but I.M. sorry that it aren’t said to more wantstas while they is still dreamers.

If y’all think yer a wantsta but ain’t sure if this is fer y’all or not, you ain’t a wantsta, yer an ifnheel or ifnsheel. I you think yer a wantsta, but you know that you have to keep on workin’ with the hope of havin’ enough money someday, yer a dreamer, not a wantsta. If yer wantin’ to live this full time life, but yer spouse, partner or significant other ain’t sure and so you are a holdin’ off, yer a dreamer, not a wantsta. If y’all really are a wantsta then ain’t nothin’ gonna prevent ya from livin’ this way and yer a lucky person. So ya gots to askin’ yerownself just like old Clint were a sayin': Do you feel lucky today, well do ya? Only you has gots the answer to that question, and if’n yer only a hopin’ yer lucky, you ain’t gonna be. I.M., who are effortlessly eradicating the education of everybody.

A Weighty Problem

Me and Nilda has been travelin’ around some this here time of the year and as happens when we do that, Ol’ 5th Wheel can act up on occasional causin’ we’uns to spend a mite longer in a camperground than are usual fer us. We don’t pay no nevermind to that cause it just gives us more time to get to know folks and hear them interestin’ stories bout how folks live out here on the road.

The other night roundabout the campfire a feller was tellin’ a story about something that gots I.M. to thinkin’ about a new way that folks could make money while livin’ the fulltime in their RV mobile, mobile home. Skippin’ ahead, it are diet classes fer RV’ers. Not them curvy kind of weight classes the womenfolk like, but a class to show folks how to put their RV itsownself on a diet.

Now rememberin’ what that feller that taught that bloggin’ class I.M. took said about the best ideas comin’ to nothin’ if’n it don’t have a catchy title to get folks interested, I.M. as even come up with the name fer this money makin’ opportunity he is givin’ out fer free, Hatey Weighty. Think abouts it. First it are weight problem and second most everyonebody hates it that they gots this problem, makin’ Hatey Weighty the new byword of them that wants to make money, at least off any of them RV folks that’s got money that are.

I.M. can see it now, big flyers in the campergrounds of America proclaiming, “Has yer RV gots the mid-trip bluge? Are its muffler draggin’? Then look to Hatey Weighty to gits it runnin’ down the roads of our great country like a dog hot on the trail of a critter.”

I.M. tellin’ ya, that with advertizin’ like that, a feller would most likely be beatin’ back the customers they’d be so excited about what he were a offerin’. It are gonna take I.M. a few posts to lay out the whole idea, it’s background and the camperground story that give him the thought in the first place, but then with I.M. bein’ the bestest source of information on this way of livin’, it means I.M. has gots lots of good things to fill reeders heads with.

Cousin Lem’s Travels.

Just in case yer a wonderin’, I.M. has gots a wastepaperbasket full of them dispatches from the front that cousin Lem was a sendin’ in, particually from that there rally he unexpectedly found hisownself, Clara Belle herownself and that horde of young’us themownselves, attending. Though mabe it were more like a moochin’ and learnin’ the full time mobile, mobile home lifestye than attendin’ fer Lem. Course now that Lem has had a chance to do some more observationing at campergrounds with folks that knows what they is actually doin’ and has also been a talkin’ to I.M., he is lookin’ at them goin’s on a little differently. But this here post ain’t about them things, it are how Lem are applicationing the things he learned at the foot of the master, as he is a puttin’ it.

Life are really lookin’ up fer Lem since that night and he has not had to pay fer a single meal at a restaurant since then. Likewise he are also getting’ his ownself invitationed to eat at more folks home places than a salesman givin’ out free possum traps in exchange fer a meal up on the gulch. Lem, as he now likes to be called, him droppin’ the mealmooch moniker cause that meal moochin’ king feller told him he gets even more mooched meals when he don’t brag it up as much. Plus Lem are actually considerin’ writin’ a book on his new found way to financial freedom. :)

Take that first free meal he got fer them young’uns. Them kids was out and about, raisin’ some folks hackles, but getting’ cackles from others at that rally. That were when Lem got the idea of them kids entertaining the cacklers, and also utilizin' what he had just learned to get some free food. With that Lem called them all around and discussioned what they was to do. Now with the genes them young’uns inherited, Lem havin’ been able to pass his sixth grade equivalency diploma test two years ago, and Clara Belle’s being a Plus size 34 they has got the brain and brawn departments well covered.

And It Gets More Interesting

This get together that Lem were at and his dispatches from the front has I.M. a sittin’ on the edge of his seat so to speak. I.M. learnin’ so much from Lem attending this shindig that I.M. sure that me and Nilda’s life is going to be better for mealmooch havin’ done what he did.

But it ain’t I.M. y’all are a wantin’ to be hearin’ from, it are Mealmooch II, as Lem took to callin’ hisownself after a learnin’ at the hand of the master. It had been suggestered that Mealmooch write a book bout moochin’ meals, and I.M. thinkin’ I.M. just might have to pass that there iidea on to Lem, makin’ mineownself the ghost writer of that book of course. At the very least Lem and I.M. could collaboration on the definitive method of mealmooch livin’ as learned at the hand of the master for a separate post in this here blog.

There I.M. goes again, a getting’ off the subject at hand which were Lem’s latest dispatch where in he continued reporting’ on the goinn’s on at that there camperground. Later that night there was a big meetin’ type of meetin’ where the folks that don’t known much, but say they do so the ones who know even less think they know somethin’ were introductioned to everbodyone else as experts in what they didn’t know, or at least knew more than the ones that didn’t know nothin’.

All this were  lead by that non-preacher, preacher type feller, and accordin’ to Lem, if it weren’t the next best thing to to one of them up on the Gulch revivals, it were the best thing. That feller was a leadin’ that crowd through its paces, a talkin’ about how they was a gonna first be doin’ some kind of ice breaker thing, which most certainly confusioned Lem as much as he were ever confusioned in his own life. First off this place were far from the Arctic and second there surely weren’t no ice on the water, but if that feller were a day dreamin’ bout icebreakers, Lem weren’t a gonna disturb his train of thought, even it were about as far derailed as any train of thought gets.

Once that feller got warmed up the folks a listenin’ to him took  the chant up. He’d shout out something like, Alrighty then, we are going be talkin’ emotions and them folks would holler back, Alrighty then. Next he would be a calling out Alrighty then, Packin’ fer fulltimers, and them folks would shout back, Alrighty then. Lem said this went on fer a hole lot of different subjects which he will be talkin’ about in future dispatches.
When that get together finally did break up Lem, exhausted as he were from all the stuffin’ of food in his mouth and pockets, plus them exhortations and actions of the big confab, he asmost walked right by what were one of the gol darndest things Lem ever did see.

Settin’ out there was this big old box with the words, Chip In Box, written on it. Now Lem were more than aware that that there macaroni  and cheese were overcooked to the point of a nail, but this did beat all. Lem decided that most of them folks being pilgrims and not hardened to the ways of  civilization and had suffered from broken and chipped crowns when they was a chewin’ on that crusty casserole.  He figured they had been advised to toss there chipped teeth into that box and that maybe they got a dentist a comin’ later to reattach all them tooth chips them folks lost. You can bet that only a feller as smart as Lem could figure something like that out.

How the RV Revival Began

Maybe I.M. should try to straighten out a few things afore I.M. posts Lem’s next dispatch from the front. First off, what this thing Lem, Clara Belle and their horde are attending is more than a little confusioning. Lem has referenced it as a revally, which even with my limitations as to knowing big words, don’t match up with nothing I.M. could understand. Howsoever what with the description of that feller that were in charge, it come to I.M. that what Lem were a tryin’ to say were revival, like them travelin’ preacher fellers would have up on the Gulch every spring and fall.

The next thing were that food they had at that get together American meal. I.M. asked Lem bout them jello fingers to get that part clarificated, and Lem said they had that jello in red, green, orange and black, and that last color he took as the result of them mixing all the first three leftover jello colors together. Lem said he tried to take some of the them back to his horde, them young’uns of his likin' to pick up them jello sticks and wiggle them at the younges tryin’ to scare them afore poppin' 'em in their mouths. Problem was they melted in his pocket makin’ quite a mess, though he did see Clara Belle a lickin’ out his pocket after he took his shirt off afore they went to bed that night, her lovin’ jello so much and all.

And now back to our reporter in the field. As Lem tells it, after that dinner where he lived up to his name, mealmooch, he was a circulationing around them folks when he started hearin’ more tales bout this feller that were the king of all mealmoochers. Seems like this feller had perfectioned the ability to mooch meals to the heights that were never attained by mere mortal men or women anywhere before ever, ever, including mealmooch. Now mealmooch reports that instead of being jealous, he were more interested in learnin’ some new techniques if he could, the better to mooch meals fer him, Clara Belle and their brood.

Based on this intelligence, to which mealmooch applied a generous dosage of his own intelligence, or at least howsoever much Lem could summons up, he soon discovered the mealmoocher to beat all mealmoochers was a playin’ poker with the boys were that feller he had already met. Lem playin' the part of the incognito mealmooch, becomes an onlooker feller like a number of them folks standin’ around, and proceeds to do some listenin’ to the conversationing goin’ on.

It weren’t long afore a seat opened up in the game and Lem set down to pick up some pocket change, but more important to learn this mealmoochin’ at the foot of the master. By the time the game were over Lem had his self enough money to get something fer Clara Belle, her having to watch the horde and all, plus enough pointers to keep them in meals for the foreseeable future and beyond.

As he learned the key were to find somebody that were new to this here RV mobile, mobile home way of livin’ in the camperground and strike up a conversationing, mentionin’ in passing that you were some kind of expert in this type of livin’. Then just let one thing lead to another and afore ya knowed it, they would be inviting ya to share a meal with them. Based on that alone, Lem figured he, Clara Belle and the horde could afford to take up the full time RV lifestye. Then he learned that there was goin’ to be all kinds of seminaries in the next days on how to best live the mobile, mobile home life, which he knowed he would be attendin’.

RV Dreams

“Are you one of the millions plagued by RV dreams? Do you lie awake at night unable to sleep as RV’s tumble over a cliff before your very eyes? If so we have a solution.”

Now ya’ll can say what you want, but OL’ 5th Wheel was just about drivin’ me crazy. I’d searched and searched for somethin’ that would stop them nitemares, but couldn’t find anything, then this feller I met at Aunties Brakes and Bakes, combination pie and brake shop, told me about this here book that he’d read that could help a body overcome these terrible nitemares that come almost every night.

So when I read the cover of that book and it had them words on it, I was a thinkin’ I should probably be a shoutin’ Hallelujah, I is about to be shunt of them RV dreams at last. Still, I weren’t sure that Ol’ 5th Wheel was exactly qualified to be one of them RV’s considering its pedigree and all. I knowed it were a mobile, mobile home, but and RV? I had some serious regulations bout that.

Still me being a sucker like most people inflicted with them RV dreams, and a wanting to be cured of them, I talked to Nilda about my perdickerment. She come up with as good a solution as could be, given the circumstances. Just so I wouldn’t blame myself all by myownself if that book didn’t cure my affliction of them RV dreams, we would both chip in a few dollars to pay for it, and that way if it didn’t work, it weren’t all mine own fault as part of it would be Nilda’s fer helping me.

Once that book come I plunged into it like I was going skinny dippin’ with Candilu Hugginbottom, and I was soon up to my ears in daydreams, lucid dreams, prophetic dreams, epic dreams, naked dreams, flying dreams, chase dreams and falling dreams, and it were some of them last four that really perked me up and got me a might excitered.
What I learned helped me get ahold of things and really straighten out one in peculiar. Seems that a dream about fallin’ is more about insecurities, instabilities, and anxieties than what you is a dreaming about. Indicatin’ them RV dreams I’ve been a reoccuring has got to be about Ol’ 5th Wheel and not about me. It said some more bout the fact a person havin’ this kind of dreams was probably feeling overwhelmed and out of control in some situation of their life.

On that, I would bet the family still it had got to be that blasted piece o junk we was a using to take us down the highway of life that were a overwhelmin’ me, besides breakin’ down on us all the time too. Then that author drifted way off base, a talking about my relationships goin’ downhill or problems at work. That feller writin’ that book was doin’ alrighty up that point but what with me not a working, and my relationship with Nilda bein’ more than spectacular since I took up that literature writin’, I weren’t so sure that writer fellow was really who he said he was.

But no sooner does he do that than he redeems hisself, saying a bunch of words that didn’t make a whole bunch of cents, but I liked 'em anyways. It was about losing your grip on things and finding that you had trouble keeping up with the hustle and bustle of the daily goin’s on’s. That one really hit home cause the way Nilda had been a movin’ her bustle since I took up literature writin’ there weren’t no way I could keep up with her.

Then he talked about being forced into this situation and not bein’ able to control the downward spiral, whatever that was, but that knowin’ what the cause of them dreams was, you could work on getting’ them stopped. Knowin’ all this, I took a deep breathe, and decided to just let Ol’ 5th Wheel do what it wanted to do, and I would do what I wanted to. Nilda liked what I was a talkin’ about and said I should give it a few weeks and if I still had them nightly RV dreams, she’d see if she couldn’t do a few things to perk me up. Now just how lucky can a feller get.

I.M. was Stumped

When the time come to eat, the four of us, Joe Ed, Matilda, me and Nilda trooped up there to that city fellers sight like the missionerys come to relieve the staving of Africa, we was a carrying so much food. We was a wondering if’n we was a feedin’ the whole campground we was so burdened down, but once we got there it were just that city feller and his wife. They had their picnic table all set up nice and pretty with a cloth on the top and a candle in the middle, next to which was big dish of tater chips. By the time we put all our food on the table there weren’t hardly room to sit and eat, though we did manage to squeeze in.

All the time we was a eatin’ that city feller was a tellin’ storys of all the places they’ed been to and how nice people always were a givin’ ‘em things, what with him being such a famous writer and all. Funny thing was he kept a tellin’ us what a great writer he were but we was never a seein’ anything he writ. With my writin’ Nilda is always a showin’ eveyone she runs across what I last wrote, even them ladies at the beauty parlor, though they is demandin’ more of that literature than I can rightly turn out.

We was a talkin’ about a pullin’ that stump and this here city feller was makin’ out to the ladies like he dun all the hard work, a showin’ up when Joe Ed and Me couldn’t break that stump loose and single handedly finishin’ pullin’ it out by hisownself. Seemed like that was stretchin’ the point just more than a mite, but Ma always taught us as young’uns to respect our hosts, so I kept my yap shut, though I wanted to say something the worst way. Joe Ed was over there a dozin’ on and off so he weren’t a goin' to chime in and tell it like it really were, so it just stayed the way the city feller told it.

When it come time to leave, the city feller said that his wife was so tuckered out that she wasn’t goin’ to able to do much work around the house fer the next day our so, so if’n we wanted to just leave our left overs, so as to chip in and help them out as he put it, they’d be mighty appreciative. Matilda and Nilda looked at each other, gathered up all their leftovers and lit a shuck fer where we was parked.

Joe Ed and me, being raised to be polite, thanked that city feller and his wife for what little they did to help with supper, though I will say his wife surely did look a bit embarrassd by it all, even if he didn’t. Then as Joe Ed and me was a walkin’ away I’d a sworn I heard him say somethin’ about how we should’a chipped in more, course my ears could’a been deceivin’ me, but I’ve got to say that everything that took place that hole day surely had me stumped.

I.M. is Stumped

Continuin' my story of yesterday,  their’s the six of us, Joe Ed, Matilda, Me, Nilda, the city feller and his wife a planning out the work. The ladies say they can clean up all the trash and such as well as the tall grass and weeds, which leaves the brush and such to us men. Then as Joe Ed heads off to get the tools we’ll be a needin’ that city feller says he needs to go back to his 5th wheel for a might and make sure all his computer work is catched up to date. Which of course I didn’t think much off at the time.

So when Jo Ed comes back, the five of us all start workin’ away rather than wait for that city feller. I got to say that city fellers wife were a right hard worker, pullin’ weeds and all with the best of ‘em. Joe Ed and me made quick work of the brush, but in doin’ so we uncovered this big old stump that must have once been the grandaddy of all trees. We commenced to diggin’ and pryin’ and pullin’ and pushin’. All of which took most of the rest of the afternoon.


Now while Joe Ed’s got the strength of several, even he’s got limits and he was just about to reach them, when this city feller shows back up and with a big simile says that it looks like we could use some help, and with him a lendin’ a hand, which were it were he lended, that stump come out slicker than a greased hog. Then he offers to take the tools back up to the park office, and me and Joe Ed bein’ too wore out to do it, we tells him to go ahead. He comes back whistlin’ and smilin’ and starts talkin’ bout the group meal so quick we forgets to ask him about the free campin’ coupons we was supoosed to get for helpin’ on the park workday.

This city feller sure were a talker, cause the next thing we knows, he’s organizing the evenin’ group meal the six of us is to be a sharin’ after that hard day of workin’ together. He’s got some kind of paper all printed out from his computer, one that he says assigns each couple what they should bring to the meal that we is gonna be a sharing. I was a lookin’ at what we was to bring, and while there were five or six things, it shore didn’t seem like it should’a took him all afternoon just to figure them few things out and get ‘em printed on a piece of paper.

He said we should all gather up at his place about six o’clock, but to bring all our own chairs and such. Nilda was exhausted from working so hard all afternoon, but she set about cookin’ that fried chicken, a makin’ tater salid, cole slaw, a big pitcher of iced tea and a bakin’ a chocolate cake, just like that feller had down on that piece of paper he give us. Me, I.M. started workin’ on my blog post and peelin’ taters and such as Nilda needed help.

I could hear the pans a banging next door at Jo Ed’s and knew Matilda was a workin’ as hard as Nilda a fixin’ things for the feast we was a havin’ that night. Meanwhile I could hear Joe Ed snorin’ loud enough to wake the dead and then some. Mostly cause he’d done the work of two men fer most of the day.

I.M. is About to be Stumped

This mobile, mobile home life can lead to the most interesting people you’ll ever come a crossed, even moreso then when I was down in Simpsonville a getting’ my degree. I got to admit that when me and Nilda went to learn at the foot of the great Kiva in that Harrisburg town in Pennsyvania, I see’d more than a few of them interestin' fellers a sellin’ them mobile, mobile homes, along with the most interesting stories I’d heard in a possums age.

Didn’t seem to mind what it was you owned, had owned or was now a lookin’ at, they had owned one themownselves and could talk yer leg off about it. Since it were all goin’ over me and Nilda’s head, they could a been jabberin’ bout camels on the north poll as far as we was concerned. So while they was shorely interestin’ people, they was a tellin’ storys that was weigh over my head, and tall as I am, that were a fer tall piece of tellin’.

Now the reason I’m a gonin’ on bout all this here peoples that have crossed my path, specially since I sure weren’t interested in crossin’ there’s, was this feller that we met at the place we been a stayin’ during the repairin’ of Ol’ 5th Wheel’s latest breakdown. Let me tell ya, he were a feller that made all them fellers sellin' them mobile, mobile homes out to be a lookin’ more like pecan sorters in a pickle factory, he were so much more interesting than them.

We’d been a stayin’ there fer a while, a getting’ ta know folks and a havin’ good times swapin’ stories with more an few lies blended in, when this feller I’m a talkin’ bout comes in with one of them so called 5th wheels that really ain’t got five wheels, but the fellers a pullin’ ‘em don’t know that, so they just call ‘em what the salesman that took there money said they was called.

All was a going well fer everybody, though some folks was sayin’ he were some big time writer feller, which just naturally got my curiosity up, what with me being into writn’ this here blog, and also some literaturary stories fer the local ladies at a former place we was at, all of which has resulted in me bein’ a writer of some renouned myself. He were a nice enough feller, though it did appear to me that whenever the conversation got a round to writin’ he was always a talkin’ about hisownself and wouldn’t let me get a word in lengthwise.

Where I’m a goin’ with this here tale is what happened this past weekend when the monthly park work and eat day come up. They usually pair up two or three couples to work together and then they do a little relaxing and sharin’ of the vittles afterward. So this time me and Nilda ends up a workin’ with Joe Ed and Matilda, as well as this feller and his wife, who’s names I got on the tip of my tongue but just can’t get out.

While Matilda is just a little tiny slip of a woman, Joe Ed is a steam engine and red squirrel all rolled into one. He’s not only always a workin’ he does the work of two people without even breakin’ a sweat. So when they assigned to jobs it weren’t no surprise when we got the one a clearin’ the brush and such from inside the turnaround at the far end of the park.